List of the Worst Roommates I've Ever Had

I’m finally moving out and getting free of having to live with people. No joke, my experiences in Durango have led me to decide that I never want roommates again, and I never want to live in a house again. I’m currently selling off all my assets so that I can purchase an RV. From then; It’s wherever. I’m definitely not staying in Durango, Colorado. Too much resentment with the locals here. Reminiscing on all the horrible roommates I’ve had in my day, I figured it’d make for a great blog post.

 

The Packrat Slob

This kid was my best friend growing up, so it’s impossible to hate on him. Still……Seriously, man! This kid was the biggest packrat and the biggest slob I have ever met. If you were to ask him if he wanted a broken microwave, he’d take it. I know people that would actually call him to avoid having to dispose of old appliances. And guess where they ended up? My garage…

Actually, I still need to figure out what to do with a bunch of his shit that’s been in the garage for over 3 years. I guess thrift store or moving sale. Not more you can do, I’m leaving state which means I can’t be used as a free storage unit anymore.

On top of that the kid was insanely messy. Sure, that’s just college age kids, but this guy was messy. It didn’t bother me that much, as long as the smell didn’t overflow from his room and into the rest of the house. Eventually it got to that point.

There was one time when it got so bad that I finally had to investigate. The culprit that was stinking up the whole house was an old moldy glass of what I believe was chocolate milk. It was in a very fancy stein that I figured my roommate might want to clean and keep. So I set the entire glass of whatever in the backyard in a pretty obvious place.

Weeks later, me and the other roommate (and Irish fellow) were in the back yard grilling. The Irish kid knocked the stein over, spilling our rainwater and a ‘puck’ of the brown moldy mess that was floating in the rainwater. The stench from knocking over that cup was enough to stink up the back yard and front yard. And I mean stink. Could hardly flip the burgers without puking and I think it was enough to make me lose my appetite.

 

ADHD and Juggalos

Prior to moving back to Colorado, I had no clue what a Juggalo is. I learned first hand when a Juggalo moved into my place. I got to meet the “whole family”. As far as I learned, Juggalos are people that spend MSRP on torn clothes so they can rock a hatchetman. They then act like sleazy punks to further their personas as pieces of shit and dregs of society……All while paying more money to look this way than it’d cost to be rocking all Calvin Klein. Just sayin’.

Needless to say there was plenty of family issues. This ranged from sleazy people hanging out in my house all day, to full-on Juggalo beef.

 

Tweakers While Out of State

I’ve learned to never go down the Grand Canyon. In fact, I’ve learned to never leave the house unsupervised for more than two weeks. Why? Tweakers take over. I don’t understand it. It’s like there’s this group of people that feel entitled to my house. Why? Just because we’re “friends”, doesn’t mean mi casa es tu casa. It definitely doesn’t mean that all your shady and scandalous piece of shit tweaker friends are welcome in my place.

I came back from a Grand Canyon trip and the front door had quite literally been kicked in. Someone had wood glued the frame back together, but that didn’t hold up long. I still haven’t heard the story behind it. It’s amazing how everyone in the house at that time didn’t recall “fixing” the door. Whoever tried breaking into the house must have been respectful enough to fix the door on his way out.

The (legal) marijuana grow that was happening somehow got cranked up from running on off-peak hours to running 24/7. Very ironic as the plants should have been flowering at that point and the lights should have been reduced, not kicked up to running all day. On top of that, the rent and utilities that were supposed to be waiting for me wasn’t there. To make it worst, it’s like everyone who owed me acted like it was okay and no big deal.

So now I have no money (you’re not working while on the Grand), the rent and utilities I expected wasn’t going to happen and I had a $400 electric bill that I wasn’t expecting.

…….Oh yeah, the door got kicked in and now there’s these shady looking tweaked out people that started showing up at my door.

 

“It’s Okay To Snitch If They Owe You Money”

I hate snitches. I hate them. Do not call cops. Handle your own shit. Cops are only around to harass and exploit for monetary gain. This kid thought that his friend’s snitching was justified because the person that got snitched out owed the snitchee $300-$400. Apparently that’s the dollar amount that justifies snitching.

Ironic thing? Kid owes me $350 back rent, and just like any back rent, I’m never going to see it. By his standards it would be completely justified to roll on him, simply because of the consideration owed to me. Pathetic, isn’t it?

 

Punk Rock OSHA Lover / Snitch

This was very strange. I knew the kid from the river, which I guess is very different from a living environment. He was a raft guide and a hardcore punkrocker. Being a rafter / punk, I guess I initially took him as a very anti-establishment person. Further from the truth. Holy shit, it’s like this kid worshipped government. He felt that every piece of red tape was important and that every agency and department is completely mandatory for this country to exist.

The kid turned OSHA whistleblower on a former company. It was over an overweight load in a tour vehicle. I don’t know all the specifics, but it definitely wasn’t life or death. It’s like seriously, dude? Quite your job if you don’t feel safe, but don’t go snitching to the government.

 

“Sure! You can stay on the couch! Your friends, too!”

I don’t have anything bad to say about this kid, other than how friendly he was with the couch. All you had to do is ask him and he couldn’t turn anyone away. Remember how I said my house fills up with tweakers whenever I’m gone for months? Yea…….

This was the last harvest season. While I was living in a yurt out in the middle of a pot field, tweakers were coming out of the woodworks and congregating at my place….With permission of course. My roommate was just that nice of a guy. He couldn’t turn people away. Worst part was that he was currently helping a friend out with a different harvest at the time.

So neither of the people paying rent and utilities were living at the house, but it was always being occupied by at least three people that didn’t live there. It got to a point to where the tweakers starting just telling their friends it was okay to basically live there.

At this point, it’s like “fuck it”, out of sight, out of mind. I didn’t want to deal with it and it was easier to avoid it. Besides, we were racing winter to harvest, so I had more important things on my plate. Plenty of shit went missing, and a new group of people started just “stopping by”, for lack of better words. I swear I need to turn into a bigger asshole in order to scare these people away.

 

Pathological Lying Deadbeat Who Goes To Jail

I cannot believe there was a time when I actually felt sorry for this kid. The horribleness started when a roofing company up in Grand Junction stood him up on payments. This is where I actually felt sorry for the kid. I let rent slide two months. Second month he went to jail right after he got a job.

I had two choices; Bail him out so he can keep his job and I didn’t have to put his dog and all his shit out on the curb, or say screw you, call animal control and throw all his shit out. I guess I’m way too fucking nice.

I felt sorry for the dog mainly. Jasmine was a good girl. I did feel sorry for the kid, too, but he should have been considering contingency plans the split second the company in Junction looked like it wasn’t going to come through.

I really should have just kicked him out then, as it would saved me a bunch of trouble, money and drama. The kid either lost his job or quit right after making bail. I honestly believe that he thought he was going to make this 30 pound marijuana deal come through and that would be enough to pay off all consideration owed and put him ahead a couple of months.

The 30 pounds from Texas ended up being law enforcement of sorts. I believe on the federal level. Imagine that. I warned the stupid motherfucker about doing business out of state too. Especially with people you’ve met one time at a bar. I was honestly expecting them to be robbed at gunpoint and not busted, but sketchy just the same. A shame this kid didn’t fall in that case, as it would have saved me some trouble and honestly, he fucking deserves it.

So now he enters this era of pathological lies. I still want to have faith that he’s a good person when not desperate, but I can’t believe it anymore. He should have been desperate from the start. Not when the situation actually gets desperate.

I end up having to go to Oregon to help my mother out with a tax scandal and property dispute. It’s an involved dispute and I wanted to spend 2-3 months over there. I made it perfectly clear to all my roommates at the time that rent had to be paid or we’re all out of a place to stay. That my funds and time was going to be tied up and I wouldn’t be able to cover everyone’s ass like I normally do with rent.

Guess what? I have to leave 2 months early to go boss up and collect because of this kid.

What’s worst? He started a non-compliant grow in the house, showed a bunch of people and someone kicked in the garage door trying to hit it up. They probably felt stupid when they ran up on the grow op and saw nothing but a bunch of starter plants. Still have to fix the door though.

I actually had to get on the phone with his dad and convince his dad the money he was wiring was for back rent and not for drugs and shit. Pathetic, ain’t it?

On top of that, there’s rumors on the street that the kid was actually scheming to rip me off. As to what they were going to rip me off? Who knows, the fucking TVs were the only real accessible and valuable thing of mine.

And the real salt in the wound: Come to find out that for whatever reason they put the bail money in his name instead of my name. I still have to write a letter to the county court requesting this is changed. Given the previous rumor that this kid is scheming on me, it’s hard to trust that I’ll get my $750 back in the event that the bail doesn’t get transferred. I still need to file a formal grievance against the county sheriff’s office over this incident.

And the fucking dog ran away, too. Seriously, the dog was the main reason I posted bail and then the damn dog ends up in doggy jail. I only Jasmine was locked up the same time as my roommate, this wouldn’t have been an issue.

 

Solution: Buy The RV

This last incident (mainly having to return early from Oregon) has made me realize that I don’t want roommates anymore. I’ve been in a position where if I have roommates, the residual income I make off the internet is enough to pay all my bills and living expenses. That means I can survive without working. Sure, I’ll always have client projects, so I don’t have to worry about income, but it’s nice knowing that you’re completely covered regardless of what happens.

So I don’t want to give up my safety net and I don’t want to live with people. How do I make this work?

An RV, duh! Think about it. Every 7-10 days all you have to do is go to an RV park to use the hookups and laundry facility. Outside of that, you’re good. The badass thing is you can always park it outside of a place for months on end. I know plenty of spots I can park it, too. Next harvest, it’ll be pulling the RV into the middle of the pot farm instead of living in the yurt. Best of all; I can escape south for the winter and come back up to Colorado for the runoff.

And no roommates required 😉

Cheers!

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